


a guy like you should wear a warning

by rawraaaaa



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Drinking, Everyone Loves Rita, Juno Steel Is a Little Shit, Karaoke, Other, Song: Toxic (Britney Spears), Tipsy Juno, at least a juno that's 3 drinks in to whatever the hell buddy found, does this count as songfic, oh my god that's a tag, toxic is a jupeter song ok it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 04:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21230075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rawraaaaa/pseuds/rawraaaaa
Summary: Rita wants a karaoke night, Buddy agrees instantly.Juno claims that he's not going to sing; the third glass of alcohol says otherwise. Nureyev is in danger.





	a guy like you should wear a warning

**Author's Note:**

> [nureyev voice] (chuckles) i'm in danger
> 
> had this scenario in my head while listening to toxic and had to share it, so uhm, here have this. also i'm on a high from posting my first fic a few days ago still so here it is, an absolute trainwreck.

'Alright, everyone, we're going to have a family karaoke night!' Buddy walked into the kitchen, carrying an old karaoke machine. Beside her, an absolutely exhilarated Rita was almost vibrating with sheer joy.

A series of confused bickering started coming from the crew, some voicing their complaints louder than others.

'Does  _ everyone _ have to participate? Like, singing? Do we have to do that?' Juno asked, staring directly at Rita.

'Well, everyone has to at least be  _ present, _ whether you sing or not! We're not to force anyone,' Rita explained, ' _ but _ , I would love to see everyone in on this!'

'With all due respect, Captain, but don't you think we have more  _ important _ matters to attend do?' sighed Nureyev, who did not wish to participate at all. After all, why would they have time for something like this?

'Absolutely  _ not _ , Ransom. Rita recommended this activity to me, and I see it as an excellent bonding activity,' she answered, putting a hand on Rita's shoulder. 'Any opportunity to bring this family closer together will  _ always _ be considered important.' Rita nodded along as Buddy explained this, looking smugly at Nureyev.

'Well, if Rita says we're doing this, I know I'm not gonna get out of it. So, I guess I'll be watching, but I draw the line at singing,' Juno spoke, sighing in defeat. Rita giggled.

'If Buddy and miss Rita says this is important, then I shall participate as well,' Jet stated. Vespa gave a grunt and a nod, which was the most of a reply they were going to get from her.

They all turned to Nureyev, waiting for an answer from the naysayer. He sighed. 'Very well. If you think for second that I am going to sing, you are mistaken, but since the whole crew-'

' _ Family, _ ' corrected Buddy.

'... since the whole  _ family _ wants this, I won't be in the way,' said Nureyev.  _ Seems there's no getting out of this, _ he thought.

  
  
  
  


Nureyev hadn't been paying much attention to the others as they sang. Rita had sung about two or three so far, Jet had sang one, Buddy had convinced Vespa to sing a duet with her.

Instead of paying any mind to the others singing, he settled in his corner of the couch, trying to think of _anything_ other than the way Juno had just downed a third glass of whatever alcohol that Buddy had brought along. _Anything_ other than how Juno was now whooping and cheering along with Buddy while Rita sang her fourth song of the night. _Anything_ other than how the ex-detective was now looking at the register of songs in the machine, while looking back and forth between the screen and the thief a few times. Nureyev was going to think of anything_,_ _anything_ other than Juno Steel.

Before Nureyev could notice what was happening, Rita had sat back down, Juno was no longer in his seat, and the starting notes to a song had begun to play. Then, there Juno stood. Holding the microphone, he proceeded to start singing, accompanied by cheers from the other ladies.

_ 'Baby, can't you see, I'm calling? A guy like you should wear a warning! It's dangerous, I'm falling,' _ the song tore Nureyev away from his thoughts, as he hadn't payed attention until the lady started singing. He looked up, only for him to find a  _ tipsy _ , borderline  _ drunk _ Juno, who was belting out lyrics of a song the thief didn't know that he knew.

Juno sang and moved along in tune to the song with rhythm, and he was somehow doing it  _ flawlessly _ . He was giving an entire performance. Nureyev was doing everything in his power to not show how much this was affecting him. Then Juno started singing the first pre-chorus.

_ 'Too high, can't come down, losing my head, spinnin' 'round and 'round,' _ he sang,  _ actually _ spinning around twice,  _ 'do you feel me now?' _

The short musical intermission played, along with the sound of Rita and Buddy cheering him on as if they were at a real concert. Juno then turned to Nureyev, who's attention was entirely on him now, before letting out the chorus.

_ 'With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride, you're toxic, I'm slippin' under,' _ Juno was at this point aiming his words  _ directly _ towards Nureyev, not even trying to hide his intentions.  _ This is an attack, he's attacking me _ .  _ 'I'm addicted to you, don'tcha know that you're toxic?' _ he was making direct eye contact.  _ 'And I love what you do, don'tcha know that you're toxic?' _ Juno stroked the man's chin briefly, only to let go a second later. Nureyev was  _ this _ close to losing his cool completely.

Whatever Juno's plan was, it was working, and it was working  _ well _ . Nureyev was crumbling in front him, becoming undone. He was turning a shade of red he didn't realize was possible. He didn't dare to move. He wouldn't give this practically drunk lady the satisfaction of seeing him like that, and yet as fast as he was trying to build up his mental walls, Juno was tearing them down just as quick, breaking his defences as soon as they were built. 

_ 'It's getting late to give you up,' _ he sang at the next verse,  _ pointing _ at Nureyev while singing the "you", _ 'I took a sip from my devil's cup,' _ a chuckle of agreement from Rita was heard, who lifted Juno's empty glass.  _ 'Slowly, it's taking over me,' _ Juno ducked down, then mimicked the strings playing from the song with his hands right before the second pre-chorus while going back up.

_ 'Too high, can't come down, it's in the air and it's all around,' _ he spun, one arm stretched out, gesturing around the room.  _ 'Can you feel me now?' _ he danced around during the interlude, then sang the chorus twice.

Nureyev was an absolute  _ mess _ . He was so, so red. His skin  _ burned _ and he could not for the life of him tear his eyes away from Juno and the way he was moving and singing the lyrics, a little different from the original, making the words his own, giving them  _ his _ own meaning. It was mesmerizing, but Nureyev was  _ still _ not admitting his defeat. 

The rest of the family was watching the two with their full attention. This, they realized, had become a lot  _ more _ than just Juno drunkenly singing karaoke.

The song continued into an electronic interlude, in which Juno followed the song and sang the _ ahs _ .  _ 'Taste of your lips, I'm on a ride,' _ he sang as the music stopped, then continued with the rest of the last repetition of the chorus. He continued his dancing around. 

Juno was almost finished with the song now, singing the outro.  _ 'Intoxicate me now, with your lovin' now, I think I'm ready now,' _ he moved closer to Nureyev, singing  _ 'I think I'm ready now,' _ an octave lower.

_ 'Intoxicate me now, with your lovin' now, I think I'm ready now,' _ was the ending line, yet Juno moved even  _ closer _ to the thief, sitting on the armrest of the couch next to where he was sitting, then whispered in his ear,  _ 'I think I'm ready now,' _ followed with an oh-so soft kiss on the cheek, so light that Nureyev was unsure if it had happened, or if Juno had just hovered over his skin. When the final note played of the song, whooping and clapping ensued from the family.

The detective then got up, placed the microphone on the coffee table in front of them, sat back down on the couch next to Rita, and said 'so, who's next? Rita, you gonna sing another one?'

'Why, I think you've got us all beat, Juno!' Buddy exclaimed, 'maybe some more than others?' she turned to Nureyev, smirking.

Nureyev hadn't had the chance to gain his composure back together yet, and was still a hot, red mess. 'Hey, Ransom, you alright? You don't look like you're feeling to good,' Juno remarked. His voice feigned concern, but his expression said something more like  _ oh, I gotcha now, Nureyev.  _ The rest of the family was not fooled for a second, but did not comment. They knew exactly what had happened.

Nureyev excused himself to go to the bathroom. He splashed cold water on himself, a few times in fact, to erase the redness of face, making the blood that had rushed to his cheeks and ears go back down where it belonged. 

'File this under,' he splashed his face again, 'for  _ future _ consideration,' he repeated to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> juno rly out here wildin, who woulda thunk it


End file.
